It Ended Before It Even Begun
What I learned about relationships from an online fling.
· A brief summary of my complicated dating life
· Meeting on Facebook
· Flirted on WhatsApp
· She blocked and unblocked me on WhatsApp and unfriended and refriended me on Facebook
· Discussing our first meeting
· The sex talk
· The love talk
· The talk about relocating to another country
· Revealing her flaws
· What triggered our break-up?
· Our premature break-up
· Thank you, nextIt was birthed on 20/02/2023 and died on 17/03/2023. Cause of death was communication crisis.
Bella Smith 📖 I know I told you yesterday in your story’s comments section that I would write and publish this story in a few months time after having cleared my head off and come to terms with my relationship with someone that ended before it even begun.
However, on second thought, I think I need to get this over and done with if I am to completely close off this chapter.
A brief summary of my complicated dating life
So, this is what’s up. Whenever there’s been a girl in the picture, 4 things have happened. One, it’s either we liked each other but couldn’t be with her because I was a dedicated nerd that was determined to succeed and saw relationships as a distraction. Two, a girl would like me but I wouldn’t like her back enough to be with her.
Three, I would like a girl so much but somehow it would feel like I was alone in my feelings and there was no reciprocation whatsoever. Hannah Noorheim I know you can relate to that one. Four, we would like each other so much and would be equally willing to make it work but somehow something would ruin it and it would be over before it starts.
This story is about the latter and it hurts the most. A lot of you will probably relate.
Meeting on Facebook
A few days before 20/02/2023 a girl sent me a friend request. Let’s call her Kat. She is from Ethiopia and is a mixture of Ethiopian, Portuguese and White. She moved to South Africa (my home country) in 2018 on scholarship.
Before accepting her friend request, I looked into her profile, like we all do, and she was extremely gorgeous. On 20/02/2023 I responded to her story with a joke about me being relieved about her not being a catfish among other catfishes who sent me friend requests.
Then I asked her where she lived, but then when I checked into her profile again, I found out where she lived, and closed off my text with “never mind.”
After “never mind”, I did not expect a response from her, but she responded and told me that the reason she sent me a friend request was because she thought I was the guy who she had met on campus and helped her fix her laptop but never got his name. She thought I was him because I looked like him and I assured her that I wasn’t him.
Anyway, the conversation went on and it was all platonic and I would occasionally close it off with a statement that did not invite any further conversation, but she kept on asking me questions. I knew that she actually wanted to chat with me which felt cool.
On 22/02/2023 things started to get interesting a bit. She posted something about her love for Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) to which I responded via inbox. We started connecting at an emotional level based on our mutual love for KFC. It also turned out that we were both simple in terms of our preference for a date. She’s not into the whole fancy restaurant dates.
She literally defined going to KFC as the perfect date. That is where she got my attention. Below is an extract from our chat about the subject.
Lindo: Cool. You like KFC too?
Kat: So much.
Lindo: Me too, since I was like 6 years old. So, you don’t mind when someone takes you out on a date to KFC?
Kat: No I don’t mind at all, that’s the perfect date.
Lindo: Oh my God. You are literally the first ever modern woman I’ve ever heard to say that! Girls around me are so obsessed with insta-perfect places and restaurants.
Kat: Yeah I know them, and they can’t even afford those restaurants.
The conversation went on and this is what was said:
Lindo: Ok. So, tell me. If we hadn’t talked about KFC, how would you describe your perfect date? Paint me a picture of what your perfect date looks like.
Kat: Oh wow, normal it depends on the weather. I’m not a formal person especially with a guy. I love picnic dates, hiking, mountain biking and being taken out to KFC or even Hungry Lion for that matter.
Lindo: OH MY GOD! WHO ARE YOU?? Seriously. Who are you?? What you just described is literally MY idea of a perfect date! A lot of people make dates about showing off on the internet for validation whereas it should be an intimate thing between the two people. I’m also not very much into the whole formal, dinner-in-a-restaurant type of thing. Going to a movie (I love movies), trying something new together (could be an adventure such as ziplining, indoors rock climbing, bungee jumping — haven’t done any of these by the way, but I’d love to), including a picnic date like you said, or just go to the beach (this is my favourite place to regroup) and have fun, or simply have some KFC or Nandos or Chicken Licken or whatever. It’s been over a decade since I’ve had Hungry Lion. Does it still exist?
Honestly, while I was looking at some of your pictures and stories, I kinda misjudged you. I assumed tha you were probably one of those “high maintenance” type of women, but it looks like I may have misjudged you. It’s true when they say “never judge a book by its cover but by it’s content.”
Kat: Yes definitely never judge a book by it’s cover. We have so much in common we could click, I’m very simple…I just love taking care of myself.
We were definitely clicking and she ended up asking for my WhatsApp number and I gave it to her. When we took our conversation to WhatsApp, things started to take a different, more interesting, and flirtier turn.
Flirted on WhatsApp
We started messaging on WhatsApp on 24/02/2023. After exchanging a few first texts, she asked for my pictures, and from what I’ve learned, a girl doesn’t just ask for your pictures unless she has some interest in you. I sent her my only 5 selfies that I had in my phone and she still asked if I wasn’t that guy she had met on campus. I reassured her that I wasn’t and asked her to send me her pictures as well.
She then sent me 22 of her pictures. This was clearly a girl with her own intentions. I realized from the pictures that she was a 10/10 and my attraction towards her instantly grew stronger and we continued to flirt. I was just going with the flow and was intrigued as to where the whole thing was going. On the same day, her last text to me was “good night sweetheart” that was followed by a kissing emoji.
She blocked and unblocked me on WhatsApp and unfriended and refriended me on Facebook
On 25/02/2023 we talked briefly because she was busy with a photoshoot but then she said we would chat later. I did not respond for the next 3 days because I thought she would be the one to hit me up first when she became available to chat. She did not say anything either and I suspected that she had me blocked on WhatsApp and unfriended me on Facebook.
In the meantime, I was also going nuts because there was nothing I wanted more than chatting with her. In fact, I craved chatting with her for the entire day, despite having other things to do. Perhaps I was starting to catch feelings.
On 01/03/2023, the day we started dating, I reached out to her on Facebook and this is what was said between us:
Lindo: Hey darling. I hope you’re good. I just DMed you on WhatsApp. I’m not sure if you’re still active there or my ass got blocked for some reason.
Kat: I blocked you because you were not talking to me, I texted you a couple of times but my texts didn’t go through.
The conversation went on and I explained to her why I wasn’t texting her and it had nothing to do with me ghosting her. She then apologized for overreacting and promised to unblock me on WhatsApp.
This is what she said:
Kat: Thanks for clarifying, I’m really sorry for overreacting…it felt like I’m forcing myself on you. I like you and I’m still interested in you. I will unblock you.
She unblocked me on WhatsApp on the same day and sent me a second friend request on Facebook about two days later. She also sent me 17 of her photoshoot pictures that she had informed me about before we lost touch for 3 days. In total, I had 39 of her pictures in my phone.
She looked like a Victoria Secret Supermodel and it’s not even an exaggeration. When I gave her this compliment, she was like “wow really thank you. I didn’t see myself at that level.” Her modesty really blew me away and she didn’t even post these pictures on her Facebook.
Anyway, I didn’t let her blocking me slide. I politely confronted her about it:
Lindo: One more thing Kat. If you ever block me for the second time, please note that I won’t be reaching out to you anymore like I did last night here on Facebook. I have already made it clear that I’m also very much interested in you. So, don’t worry if there are times when I respond late. It will be because I’m busy with something and I’ll always communicate that with you in advance and then get back to you when I’m finally available. I hope you will do the same whenever you get busy with something. Active communication will prevent false assumptions from either of us about one ignoring or ghosting the other.
Kat: Noted. I won’t block you again I promise…you have made things clear. I like you a lot and I want us to work on this relationship.
From then, we started calling each other “babe”, “sweetheart”, and “cupcake”. We were secretly in a relationship but she told me that she did not want us to rush things and we must take our time. So, we agreed to not put any labels to define our relationship and just went with the flow.
She also told me that she had never dated a black guy before and this was the first time she had dated one. She also told me that she drinks and I told her that I’m not a drinker but was still willing to compromise for her because I really liked her.
Discussing our first meeting
So, me and Kat were much apart from each other. I stayed in KwaZulu Natal (KZN) and she stayed in Western Cape which is my dream location. There was a time when she told me that she didn’t mind coming to me if I didn’t have a problem with that and I absolutely didn’t, but there was just one issue that was beyond my control.
At the time I had returned back to my hometown after the end of my previous job contract and lived with my family, including my traditional grandparents. So, there was no way I would invite a girl to stay at my home. So, I told Kat that as soon as I had moved out and found my own place to live, we would then arrange for her to meet me and she wholeheartedly agreed to that.
Not once did Kat ask me what I did for a living or how much I earned. She only asked about my line of work and that was because I had mentioned to her the job interviews that I was busy with. That, to me, was a huge green flag.
She wasn’t interested in my money at all. She was interested in me and I had longed for a very long time to meet someone like that. So, she was like a dream coming true.
The sex talk
It’s about to get hot in here.
On 04/03/2023, our conversation started to get a little freakier and dirtier. She asked me if I love sex to which I responded as follows:
Lindo: Who doesn’t? Well, if it’s sex with someone I really care about, then sure! For me, emotional connection takes priority before the physical one. What’s your favourite sexual position?
Kat: My have few favourites missionary, doggy style, pushing tuns and the butterfly.
She also admitted that she had imagined us having sex and I admitted to having done the same, including during the time we were talking about sex. She loved discovering my naughty side.
I will not reveal any further details regarding our sex talk because it’s private and personal, not to mention extremely erotic, but we ended up revealing to each other our kinks and fetishes. She even went as far as saying that I would have full control of her body when we’re dating.
Sex was definitely in the cards for us, but we both agreed that it would depend on the chemistry between us.
I had hit the jackpot here, didn’t I? At least that is what I allowed myself to believe at the time.
The love talk
I think I had already started to fall a little bit in love with her after our sex talk and it wasn’t just about that. It was the whole package. I was falling for the kind of person that she was but decided to keep quiet and honour our agreement to take things slow.
This love talk started on 09/03/2023. She said, “you don’t love me.” Thereafter, I asked her probing questions which then compelled her to confess that she started loving me since the previous week and that she had tried but failed to avoid it.
I also confessed that I had fallen for her too but was waiting for her to say it first since she was the one who had firstly said that she wanted us to take things slow.
We had finally reached the stage at which we addressed each other as “my love.” This was only 2 weeks and 3 days after the first text I ever sent her. Objectively speaking, we were moving too fast, but we both didn’t mind because it felt so good. At least for me, it felt good to be seen the way she saw me.
Whoever thought I was about to be in a relationship with a girl from Ethiopia?
She also asked me one day if my mom expected a daughter in law anytime soon. This was clearly a girl in love and I loved her too, but didn’t want to take the marriage conversation any further than admitting that my mom wants me to get married when I have achieved complete stability.
The talk about relocating to another country
She asked me if I had thought about relocating to another country to which I responded that it had been a while since I thought about it. She then told me that she would relocate in the next 6 years since she doesn’t see a future here in South Africa. She said she would relocate to Australia, Canada, Netherlands, or USA.
If she hadn’t thought about her future with me in it, she wouldn’t have asked me this question.
Revealing her flaws
On 12/03/2023 Kat asked me if I was ready to be in a serious relationship and revealed that the reason for this question was that she can be a lot to handle and comes with imperfections and flaws.
I told her that I was not looking for a perfect relationship because there is no such, but I was only looking for loyalty, trust, honesty, transparency, and respect. When I asked her if I was asking for too much, she said I wasn’t and assured me that she could give these things for our relationship.
When I asked her what was her biggest flaw, she told me that sometimes she might seem like she doesn’t care, like she is selfish at times. Little did I know that this flaw would soon break us up before we even make our relationship official, not to mention before we even met.
I also made it super clear to her that I value active communication in a relationship and this wasn’t the first time I had brought up the subject. If you have been reading this story carefully, you would already know this. This is what was said between me and Kat, following her revealing her selfishness flaw to me:
Lindo: I hear you sweetheart. Well, as for me, when I get too busy with work, I may not text or call for the entire day or days, but that wouldn’t mean I care less. It would simply mean I’m busy. However, remember what happened the last time I didn’t contact you for a couple of days? You blocked me and I had to reach out to you to rekindle our relationship. That was a flaw I had to fix for you. My point is we all have flaws, but we can at least try to be better for each other instead of doing something you know will upset your partner and expect to be tolerated for it. I’m not against mistakes, but if it’s something you know your partner will have a problem with, the best thing you can do is to try and meet them halfway, like I did with you when I reached out to you on Facebook after you had me blocked. What are your thoughts on this sweetheart?
Kat: You’re right babe, it’s something I will have to work on. A relationship is a two-way street, so I have to meet you halfway.
What triggered our break-up?
After all this talk about active communication and reciprocated love, Kat went the whole of Wednesday (16/03/2023) without sending me a single text. This was after I had double texted her the previous day, the second text asking her where she was and telling her I missed her.
It sucked being ghosted for the whole day with no prior explanation whatsoever. I didn’t mind if she was busy with something or had stuff to deal with. We all do, but some communication in advance would have been nice and I did ask this from her repeatedly.
Our premature break-up
Now comes the hard and weird part; breaking up with a girl I never had.
On 17/03/2023, I sent her a picture on Messenger that I thought was funny, and this was the conversation that followed:
Kat: Babe.
Kat: Can you please don’t ignore me?
Lindo: I think I’ve run out of data babes. Might have to purchase new data. I’m not ignoring you. You are the one who spent the whole of Wednesday without texting me, and then yesterday you sent me a good morning text as if you didn’t ghost me on Wednesday. That bothered me babes.
Kat: I know and I apologized. I’m just going through a lot right now.
Lindo: I never received an apology my dear, but I guess it’s cool. I’m so sorry for whatever it is that you are going through, and just know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk or vent. I’ll be happy to listen. I just wish that if you aren’t going to be available for some reason, you would at least let me know in advance and not just leave me hanging. Active communication is what I asked from you, but we seem to be going back and forth.
Tell me Kat. Do you still love me?
Guess what? My text above was followed by her unfriending me again from Facebook and this was when it hit me that it was probably for the best to go our separate ways. After finding out that she had unfriended me, I sent her the text below:
Lindo: My love. I tried. I really did. You have once again unfriended me from Facebook. It’s only a matter of time before you block me from WhatsApp once again. Why do you keep on overreacting like this? Why do you keep on sabotaging us like this? All I ever wanted was to love you and for you to love me back, and I just wanted us to reciprocate the love we have for one another. That’s why I asked us to keep the communication between us, but I guess it was too much for you.
With regards to active communication, what I asked from you was very simple. For example, if you have stuff to deal with, at least let me know by saying something like, “my love. I am dealing with a lot right now but I will text you back soon. I love you.” That is all I ever wanted from you, but then my love you keep on ghosting me and then appear as if nothing happened, and then when I don’t text you back to give you space to deal with whatever it is that you are dealing with, you complain and say I am ignoring you. I really don’t know what it is that you want me to do and at this point, it’s clear where I stand. You wanted me to love you but you weren’t ready to reciprocate the love, even though you are the one who told me the other day that a relationship is a 2-way street.
I assume that you unfriending me is you breaking us up? If that is the case, then I wish you nothing but love and happiness and I hope that you will find what you are looking for since I could not give it to you, and God knows I tried everything I could, and I was willing to go all the way with you like I never did with anyone else before.
It’s also clear to me that you are the one who was actually not ready for this relationship, otherwise you wouldn’t be unfriending me everytime we have a disagreement. You are just not ready my love, and I can’t force you to do anything. Also, I do not want to be a nuisance to you because I love you and that is why I am now choosing to leave you alone for good. Sometimes you have to let the thing you love the most go and if it comes back to you, it was meant for you and if it doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant for you. We were probably doomed from the start.
You have ended us before we even begun, and I wanted nothing more than to one day call you my girlfriend and for you to call me your boyfriend. I’m so sad and heartbroken that it can’t happen. One more thing, one day I will be in Cape Town, but unfortunately you won’t be the person I will be dating when that time comes since you have ended things between us by unfriending me. This is the last text I will ever send you. I will always love you, Kat. Please take good care of yourself and find it in your heart to forget about me and move on with your life. I’m sorry again that I could not be a match for you. Goodbye, my love.
She read the text and reacted with a heart to it and that was it. It was over.
Today (18/03/2023), I clicked on our chat history on WhatsApp and she was online and hadn’t blocked me there. So, I reached out to her and this is what was said between us, followed by a string of sad and tearful emojis from both of us that I’m not able to insert, unfortunately:
Lindo: Hi Kat. I really wish you could just block me right now because it would make things so much easier. I’m thinking about you non-stop and it hurts because of what happened yesterday and I wish it didn’t, but it did.
Kat: I thought our relationship could work but unfortunately.
Lindo: I am not okay.
Kat: Same here but I will be fine and you will also be fine.
After this text, she then blocked me on WhatsApp as per my request and then I instantly deleted all 39 of her pictures on my phone and then I immediately started writing this article as my therapeutic method to let her go. I needed to get everything I’ve said out of my chest before I could finally accept the fact that me and Kat are over before we could even begin.
I used our chat history on Facebook and WhatsApp to write this whole story and before I hit the publish button, I will delete it from WhatsApp. On Facebook, I will send her the link to this story so that she can read it, especially the message below that I have written for her. I will then delete our chat history on Facebook in two days time.
I am simply doing this for my own good. I cannot unlove Kat but I must move on, and so must she.
Thank you, next
To Kat, I probably had a hand too in our break-up. Maybe I did take things a little too far when I sent you a break-up text instead of trying to listen and understand you, especially since you had told me that you were going through a lot. Maybe I said something that rubbed you the wrong way and if I did that, I am truly sorry.
However, at the same time, I feel our break-up was probably for the best. Besides, in 6 years time you will be out of South Africa and I’m not even planning to leave the country.
Sometimes love alone is not enough, but mutual commitment and reciprocated effort would go a long way.
When you told me about your flaws, I really thought that I could handle them like you asked me to, but it turns out that I couldn’t and for that, I am truly sorry. I failed to try to make things work out between us like I did the first time you unfriended and blocked me, but I also feel like you failed to meet me halfway like you promised you would.
If you put yourself in my shoes, I think you would also have ended things between us. It devastatingly sucks to be unfriended and blocked by the person you love everytime you have a disagreement with them. I just couldn’t handle it. I deserve better, and so do you.
On your last text, you told me that we would both be fine, but knowing myself, I couldn’t be fine unless I wrote this story to vent. Now, I can finally come to peace with the fact that you were never mine and I was never yours.
Kat, despite our premature break-up, I will only cherish the good conversations that we had. I would also like to thank you for seeing me and loving me the way you did. I don’t know what you saw in me, but you saw something good and I will always be grateful for that.
The 3 weeks and 4 days we spent chatting online were the best I’ve had since the beginning of this year and I do wish we had met, went out on dates and explored new activities together, made sweet, slow, gentle, and dirty love, and had face-to-face conversations.
What we had, me and you, felt real, but at the same time I knew it was too good to be true, but I went with the flow anyway because I had hope that it would go somewhere, but it didn’t. I guess loving each other wasn’t enough, especially from a distance. It was good until it wasn’t.
Let’s face it. It wasn’t more than an online fling, otherwise we would still be together.
I’m also sad that I never got to hear your voice and you never got to hear mine.
You are imperfectly perfect and perfectly flawed and I hope that someday you will meet someone who will handle and tolerate all your flaws and imperfections. I love you always.
Thank you, next.
